ANDREA'S PASSING

My friend, Andrea Fisher passed away on Saturday, May 1st shortly after 5:00 pm. She was surrounded by her family and the family's pastor, Keith Potter.

Her final moments, I think, were as peaceful as possible given her advanced condition. The weeks leading up to the final days were not comfortable for Andrea. Once the doctors advised her nothing more could be done and Andrea decided to no longer fight, the chemo treatments that kept the cancer at bay were stopped.

It was difficult to see how quickly the cancer took over Andrea's body. The pain she had always dealt with became more difficult to manage every day. And during her last days, Andrea was mostly asleep, almost comatose, deeply sedated.

Although the final weeks of Andrea's life were difficult for all of us, we were all so deeply touched by the incredible impression she had in each of our lives. I have already mentioned in previous posts how unconditionally she had always loved me, how she had always accepted who I was even in the moments when I could not accept myself.

We each, I believe, had time to reflect on how Andrea had touched our lives as we sat and talked with her and, in the final days, sat quietly by her side as she slept. Andrea's life was and has always been a gift to me. I realized that fact soon after I met her while in college.

The final weeks of her life confirmed to everyone who knew her just how much she had touched each of our lives. We all struggled with the anticipation of her passing and carried our grief with us wherever we went, but we also talked of our love for her and her family and how she had deeply influenced our lives.

It is a wonderful thing, a fitting tribute, to share a common love and appreciation for someone, to know and recognize how better our lives are by having known Andrea. She changed our lives and made them better. And the discussion we shared and the sadness and the gratefulness were, really, Andrea's last gift to us.

She is survived by her husband, Steve, her oldest son, Ryan, her daughter, Katelyn, and her youngest boy, Miles, her loving parents, Mary and Al, and a large group family and friends.

In many small but wonderful ways, I, as I am sure with everyone else, carry Andrea's spirit closely. She is often with me throughout my day and most especially when I am training. There are moments on my long rides or long runs that I find comfort in remembering her influence in my life, a short conversation we had, her laugh or, even better, her laughing at me. Often, I have a short cry, say her name, have a moment and find a way to be grateful for all that she was.

My training since Andrea's passing has been spotty, at best. Shortly after her passing, my heart to focus and train just wasn't there. Although I have taken inspiration from her life, I really could not find a way to concentrated and honest effort.

I have, however, been able to put together a solid block of training over the past few weeks and am feeling better on the bike and the run. I am in the last build up before my Ironman taper and anticipate three more 100+ mile rides and a few double run days before the race. I am looking forward to them and, for the first time in a while, have found a mental focus and excitement for training.

Updating this blog has been difficult as well. I had started and stopped this post several times over the past two months, but just could not find a way to finish it. I am hoping that the post gives honor to Andrea's life in some small way.

I do know this: Much of what I know about the good things in this life have much to do with my experiences with Andrea and her friendship and love. My life has been better because of her. And it is for this reason, that I must always strive to find a meaningfulness in this life. It is the best way in which I can honor her memory.

ANDREA FISHER UPDATE

On behalf of the Fisher family, I want to thank everyone who has sent words of love and support for Andrea and the family during this very difficult and challenging time. Your prayers have meant very much to everyone.

Sadly, Andrea's condition has taken an unfortunate turn. Shortly after the last round of chemo and radiation, Andrea's doctors performed a scan to see how she had responded to the last round of treatment.

Unfortunately, the scan revealed several new tumors in separate parts of her body, including her liver. These new tumors had grown in a very short period of time and during her chemo. Shortly thereafter, doctors let Steve and Andrea know the cancer was pervasive and that the prospect of it being cured was no longer possible. They advised them to discuss the situation with their three children and to begin getting Andrea's affairs in order.

This latest news has confirmed a reality everyone has feared. It is heartbreaking.

There is no clear expectation of how things will progress and the family is taking things day by day. Her parents, Al and Mary, have come to stay with Andrea and to support the family.

Andrea's comfort is the priority now. She is tired and often cold and in pain. She is taking oral chemo and other drugs that often make her drowsy. We have all had the chance to visit with her and she is as beautiful and kind as always.

The grace and thoughtful dignity she brought to our lives when healthy has never been more evident than now in her moment of fading strength. She is still managing her family, choosing outfits for her daughter, Katy-girl, encouraging her eldest son, Ryan, to finish his homework and loving her youngest son, Miles, with the same gentleness and open heart.

I have written in this blog that although her husband, Steve, has and always will be my very best friend, Andrea has, in fact, become just as important and meaningful in my life. She has supported and loved me through my darkest hours without question or judgment and has loved my daughter, Keats, like her own.

I have tried for weeks to avoid writing this update knowing it would bring up the emotions I have tried so long to avoid. As I write this, I am realizing that my lingering cold, my lack of motivation to train, my overall dullness and need to seek distraction are all related to avoidance: my denial of what I now must learn to accept.

A life without Andrea.

She is not gone yet and there is still time to spend with her. Her friends all privately grieve for her and are, like me, trying to make sense of the world. We are all sad and, I am sure, have moments of deep sobbing. This, I think, is further testament to the impact Andrea has had on so many lives.

Yeats once wrote:

Think where man's glory most begins and ends,
and say my glory was I had such friends.

More specifically, I think, we can all try to find some small comfort in sharing our lives with Andrea and for being loved by her in so many ways.

Your continued prayers and good thoughts are important. Please continue to carry Andrea in your heart as she needs support more than ever.

ANDREA'S SURGERY

I am relieved to report that Andrea's surgery went as well as can be expected. The surgeon successfully removed her spleen.

During a previous surgery, they had removed a cancerous tumor that was attached to her diaphragm. At the time, they were hopeful but not sure if they had removed all of the cancer.

Today, they re-examined Andrea's diaphragm and discovered two new spots where cancer still existed. The surgeon removed more of her diaphragm and was able to get clean enough margins from the lab to feel he removed the remaining cancer.

The diaphragm is the muscle that runs along your trunk that assists your breathing. Because a portion of hers has been removed, Andrea will have to learn how to breathe without the full assistance of her diaphragm.

She will be recovering in the hospital until Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. She will have a long recovery and eventually will begin chemo again.

The photo above was taken during her per-op today. After all they have been through, the life and spirit Andrea and Steve still have in their eyes is incredible. Awe inspiring.

Andrea still has a long road, but she has the love and support of so many people.

I am lucky to be one of them.

RACING FOR ANDREA

I received word today that my friend, Andrea Fisher, is going in for surgery tomorrow to remove her spleen. Andrea is the person who has motivated me to race in honor of the Livestrong Foundation at Ironman Wisconsin.

She has been fighting a rare form of cancer that started on her tongue and has metastasized in several places throughout her body. She has been undergoing chemotherapy for several months and the tumors have been shrinking with the treatment. The doctors, however, have decided to remove Andrea's spleen as the cancer has spread there.

Since being diagnosed, Andrea has endured several tongue and jaw surgeries, radiation, chemotherapy and living with a deep and constant pain. Through it all, she has shown a spirit and heart that both inspires and humbles me.

I have known Andrea for more than half my life. She is married to my best friend, Steve, who I have known since the first day of 7th grade in 1977. Through the years, Andrea has also become one of my best and closest friends. Steve and Andrea will raise my daughter, Keats, if anything were to happen to my x-wife, Anne, my wife, Meena, and me.

I have always loved the fact that the Fishers have treated Keats as their own, loving and caring for her with an open heart. My daughter's world is much larger because of their love. She understands the meaning and responsibility of friendship, kindness, and generosity because that is what has been given to her freely by not only the Fishers but all of my closest friends.

There is nothing more comforting, I think, than knowing your child is cared and loved for by others outside your immediate family. There is a sense of community and faith in the world that quiets the skeptic in me.

My coach, Muddy Waters, has told me that the Ironman is "just a long day of exercise." And, frankly, in light of what my friend Andrea is going through, nothing could be truer. There is a part of me that understands what is going on; that, in the starkest of realities, understands that Andrea is fighting for her life. It is a fact that on certain levels, I can manage, contain and keep at a distance because, I believe, that is what men do (at least what I do) to manage the emotionality of it all.

But there is the deeper and more difficult struggle of the "why" that, when I allow myself, overwhelms me. Andrea is one of the kindest, considerate, loving, gentlest people I know. She has always been mindful of her health, her body, spirit and family. And the idea of her being sick does not make sense to me.

There have been times in my life when I have lived in darkness. I have struggled. I have lived uneasily without gratitude or breath. Through those times, Andrea has been one of a few who stuck with me, who believed in me when I did not. Like my daughter, Andrea taught me the deeper meaning of friendship. She simplified the world for me, uncomplicated it with a gentle heart and compassion that renewed my trust in all things.

That trust is being tested now, but I know to lose faith is to sacrifice the gift Andrea has given to me. So as I begin to train for Ironman Wisconsin, my purpose is very clear. It is true and important that I am racing for the Livestrong Foundation, but, really, I am racing for her.

RACING FOR A CAUSE

As I mentioned in the sub-title to my blog, I will be racing in honor and in memory of family and friends who are battling or have battled cancer. I have registered with the Janus Charity Challenge and will be raising money for the Livestrong Foundation. My goal is to raise at least $5,000 and will be launching my fund raising campaign by the end of January.

My Mother is a survivor of uterine cancer which was diagnosed in 2005. It obviously was a difficult time, but luckily it was caught early. My mother was aggressive in her treatment and is a 5 year survivor.

Over the past 2 years, I have personally known 7 people who have had cancer treatment. My daughter's 12 year old friend, Alexis, past away from bone cancer this past year. Five colleagues had cancer treatment with a majority fighting breast cancer. And for the past three months my best friend's wife is undergoing chemo.

It's a strange and difficult series of coincidences. An emotional and unavoidable reality that puts everything into perspective. The world keeps moving, but I see my friends fighting their disease with dignity and strength. So little of what I clutter and complicate my life with matters in light of their struggle. I am at once ashamed and inspired, crestfallen and proud, helpless and empowered.

I decided to honor them and everyone who is fighting cancer through Ironman Wisconsin. I am committed to contribute and to make the race about something greater and more meaningful than me.

I am training and racing for them.